Moving Forward

You never get over losing a child. That’s just the way it is. That kind of pain never fully evaporates. It is always hanging around, hovering over your every thought and action. For the rest of your life there is a hole where your child should have been,

And yet, you have to go on. Your family is depending upon you. People at work are depending upon you.

I suppose a lot of people figure if they just keep busy that somehow the pain will be eviscerated. And to some degree that is true. But then comes the idle times, particularly in the evening. And into creeps the demons stronger than ever. Making up for lost time. Devouring your mind and heart. I quickly concluded keeping busy was not enough.

So then what?

I do not make New Year’s resolutions. Instead, I make goals. As 2009 came to an end, now over a year since Kelsey had been killed, I asked myself: what do I want to do with the rest of my life?

There were some immediate answers: take care of my family, and complete my career in school administration. But beyond that, what? Over the span of about a week, two answers rose to greet me. One, wait until I got to see Kelsey again. But that was only about the passage of time. What did I want to do with the rest of my life? How did I want to spend my remaining time? And I could hear the answer being whispered to me: serve God.

Yes, that was it. But how? Doing what?

By that time I was writing the book. I could finish that and see it through. Then we could speak to church and grief groups. I nodded as the plan formed in my mind. Yes, that all made sense. But some thing was missing. I could feel it. And over the next few months the missing link emerged and became clear to me. Before I could go on I had to go back. I had to go back and forgive the people involved in the accident.

This was tough. I did not want to do it. There was some thing gratifying about righteous hate. And yet, I knew that if I did not forgive, that hate would eventually consume me.

God’s command was utterly clear: forgive. Even if they do not deserve it. After all, we did not deserve God’s forgiveness. It was bought by Christ on the cross. Grace.

It took several months before I felt that I had truly forgiven in my heart the owner of the dump truck and the driver. And yet, it still did not seem complete. I knew what I had to do. I had to directly express my forgiveness to them. And so one day in October, 2010, I made the overture to the company owner, as well as to the driver. I expressed our forgiveness. Relief poured from them. When it was over I felt good.

Self-pity can be a bottomless pit. If after losing Kelsey, we would have allowed ourselves to indulge in self-pity, to crawl into its pit, and wallow in its mire, I do not know if we would have ever gotten out. Instead, we had to force ourselves back to our feet, as hard as it was, as necessary as it was. Physical survival was stake. More importantly, the survival of our souls was at stake.           

So we go on, one day at a time, growing stronger in the Lord. I do not know what God has in store for us, but I do know He loves us, and what ever it is, we will be able to trust and rely on Him.