The Clay and the Potter

Many people say to not focus on the bad and just remember the good times. They say these things mostly during periods of mourning such as our times after September 2, 2008.  I believe that this statement is a good statement at the time for those in mourning to hear and it uplifts them maybe for a period of time, but as far as it applying to someone 2-3 years removed from September 2, 2008 or 2-3 years removed from any situation like that I do not think it does. 

Something the Lord has really been harboring on me over the past year or so is that we should never forget those dark nights, those nights where life just plain stinks.  When I learned to remember all those nights of staying up and crying out to the Lord asking why, why, why, it was then that I was able to truly see how far the Lord had brought me over the past 3 years.  I began to see that those hard times actually molded me into who I am.  It’s just as Jeremiah 18 talks about I was the clay and my God was the potter.  The clay must be put through the fire in order to remove any in purifications on it and then the potter may start to mold it.  Numbers 31:23 and Isaiah 48:10 talk about being refined and purified through the fire in order to become like gold.  Something Thom has always said is that these past 3 years have been the worst and best times of his life.  Many people have always kind of cringed when he said that, but to me it fits with exactly what the Lord accomplishes through times like these.  He humbles you to the core and then uplifts you by his love in order that you may look at Him and life differently. 

So to anyone going through anything tough or even just going through daily life please do not forget where you are now so that 3 years from now you are able to look back and say “ok, God now I see what you were doing.”  So I hope that if any of you are in those dark times right now that you begin to take mental pictures of yourself and where you are and put them away for the day when you need to be uplifted.  Then you can open up that box, take the pictures out and say “wow”, God really has been doing something amazing in me!”

A wise man once said “Our walk with the Lord seems like walking in the Sahara Desert.  There are so many times during our lives that it seems we are going no-where with God and that our relationship with him is not progressing at all.  Just as in the Sahara we look around and see nothing but sun and desert all around us and it seems that we haven’t moved in years, but we know for a fact that we have been walking for what seems like forever. If we were to look behind us on the ground we would see the hundreds of thousands of footsteps that are just one reminder that we have been moving and just as in the Sahara there is a plan for our lives today and that we have been progressing with the Lord each and every day through good and bad.”  Just look at the Vines family, me and all of Kelsey’s friends. God has been doing a work in us each and every day for the past 3 years.  We are testaments to His faithfulness and to His one perfect plan.

John Michael Vestal

Moving Forward

You never get over losing a child. That’s just the way it is. That kind of pain never fully evaporates. It is always hanging around, hovering over your every thought and action. For the rest of your life there is a hole where your child should have been,

And yet, you have to go on. Your family is depending upon you. People at work are depending upon you.

I suppose a lot of people figure if they just keep busy that somehow the pain will be eviscerated. And to some degree that is true. But then comes the idle times, particularly in the evening. And into creeps the demons stronger than ever. Making up for lost time. Devouring your mind and heart. I quickly concluded keeping busy was not enough.

So then what?

I do not make New Year’s resolutions. Instead, I make goals. As 2009 came to an end, now over a year since Kelsey had been killed, I asked myself: what do I want to do with the rest of my life?

There were some immediate answers: take care of my family, and complete my career in school administration. But beyond that, what? Over the span of about a week, two answers rose to greet me. One, wait until I got to see Kelsey again. But that was only about the passage of time. What did I want to do with the rest of my life? How did I want to spend my remaining time? And I could hear the answer being whispered to me: serve God.

Yes, that was it. But how? Doing what?

By that time I was writing the book. I could finish that and see it through. Then we could speak to church and grief groups. I nodded as the plan formed in my mind. Yes, that all made sense. But some thing was missing. I could feel it. And over the next few months the missing link emerged and became clear to me. Before I could go on I had to go back. I had to go back and forgive the people involved in the accident.

This was tough. I did not want to do it. There was some thing gratifying about righteous hate. And yet, I knew that if I did not forgive, that hate would eventually consume me.

God’s command was utterly clear: forgive. Even if they do not deserve it. After all, we did not deserve God’s forgiveness. It was bought by Christ on the cross. Grace.

It took several months before I felt that I had truly forgiven in my heart the owner of the dump truck and the driver. And yet, it still did not seem complete. I knew what I had to do. I had to directly express my forgiveness to them. And so one day in October, 2010, I made the overture to the company owner, as well as to the driver. I expressed our forgiveness. Relief poured from them. When it was over I felt good.

Self-pity can be a bottomless pit. If after losing Kelsey, we would have allowed ourselves to indulge in self-pity, to crawl into its pit, and wallow in its mire, I do not know if we would have ever gotten out. Instead, we had to force ourselves back to our feet, as hard as it was, as necessary as it was. Physical survival was stake. More importantly, the survival of our souls was at stake.           

So we go on, one day at a time, growing stronger in the Lord. I do not know what God has in store for us, but I do know He loves us, and what ever it is, we will be able to trust and rely on Him.